With THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE opening this week, we’ve got multiple reviews for you to check out.  First up, our two review dudes, Steve Friedel and Gary Murray.  I always like hearing the male perspective on these films.  I mean look, we all know the TWILIGHT movies aren’t geared toward male audiences, and that’s perfectly fine.  After all, TWILIGHT is basically STAR WARS for girls, right?  That said, it’s still nice to see how guys react to these movies.  And now, without further delay, here’s what our guys had to say about the newest outing…

Review by Steve Friedel

Let’s just get this one outta the way right now: It’s better than the first two. That’s about the extent of the positive I’ll be able to muster, quite frankly, for this latest Twilight Saga installment — titled Eclipse (as in “an eclipse of any bright ideas”). Yes, it’s a marked improvement on Twilight and New Moon, but that’s like BP saying that they’ve contained 10% of the oil spill now instead of 5%. In other words, improving on “vapidly awful” — to the next grade of “less vapidly awful” — isn’t a virtue; it’s just dumb luck. And “dumb” is the operative word (and has always been thus) when talking about this franchise, one that’s now not much more than a full-blown love triangle, pickin’ right up where Moon left off (more like an extension of the last film, which further detracts from any reason to make this one in the first place).

Vampire Edward Cullen (the perpetually-preening Robert Pattinson, Remember Me) and wallflower Bella Swan (Kristen “Can’t Act” Stewart, The Runaways) are still madly in love and repeatedly (unconvincingly) declaring so in a field of purple flowers (twice!), outside of class, in her bed, in his bed (don’t get any ideas just yet… Edward’s “old-fashioned”) in looooong, hi-def, close-up scenes showing his “diamond skin” and her snow-white buck teeth (I was as enamored with those things as I was with that little piece of flesh stretching over the mouth of Jonah Hex a couple of weeks back). Oh, and let’s not forget were-beast Jacob (Taylor Lautner, Valentine’s Day) who’s also got the hots for Ms. Swan — I write that as if the producers would EVER let us forget the (again) mostly-shirtless wild boy, who, and I quote, “could care less about” Edward’s opinion on matters relating to Bella (to which I always reply “If you COULD care less, then why don’t you?”) Moving along, the two little boys philosophize on who is best for Bella, herself convinced the only way she and Ed can be together is if she’s turned (for crying out loud, BITE HER already — she’s freakin’ asking for it!). But Jacob’s re-snort is that he’s still alive, still has body heat, still watching his “Abs of Steel” video apparently, and still has a beating heart; I’ll leave the “still with brain activity” for the death panels to decide. What is it with these two mimbos (i.e. “male bimbos” from The Psalm of Seinfeld) and their pining & whining for this constipatedly distraught, sullen, sulky female? I mean, WHAT IS IT WITH THEM? It’s like Kim Kardashian and Heidi Spencer fighting over… well… ME!!!

So we have these many, many (incessantly boring) instances of high school puppy love — ’cause, let’s be honest, that’s all this really is if you’ve lived and breathed longer than, say, 25 years, right? — punctuated by (1) the occasional appearance of an ever-growing army of New Borns — lead by former Forks townie (and now missing) Riley Biers (Xavier Samuel, Road Kill), who war-faces and bad-asses his way thru most of the flick, and a “mystery” vamp hellbent on destroying the Family Cullen (won’t say who it is); (2) fireside tales of Native American lore (and who doesn’t love those?), though this time done in the most slipshod, faked-profundity way possible in exposing Jacob’s ancestors’ first encounter with the red-eyed (turn the flash off!) New Borns; and (3) Team Cullen prepping for the impending FIGHT OF THE CENTURY (!) with the New Borns, including guidance from Jasper Hale (Jackson Rathbone, The Last Airbender) who’s had his own run-ins (as a Texas Calvary rider… puh-leeeeez!) with the wicked newbies and knows how they tick. Fast-forward — and OH GOD I wish I could have done so! — some 100 minutes to the finale where we see Riley and his minions arising from the water (á la Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now… you’ve gotta be kidding me!) and ready for the ULTIMATE THROWDOWN (yeah baby!); meanwhile Bella, Edward, and Jacob are up in the wintry nighttime mountains, Bella’s freezing her patootie off (only to be walking around the next morning with her flannel sleeves rolled up… huh?), and there’s more discussion among our “heroes” as to who’s the better man. You’re expecting at least ONE of these one-on-ones to entail maybe some monster busting his way in and scaring the crap outta the audience; but, sadly, it’s just more of the same lame, lovey-dovey nonsense that’s driven the entire “saga”.

But what is going to happen — and what’s gonna SAVE the whole stupid story is THE RUMBLE IN THE… er… FOREST at the end, yes? Oh, I can feel it; can you feel it?! It’s nigh upon us — at around the 1 hour 45 minute mark — so maybe my butt didn’t go numb for nothing! And…. AND… it’s a CGI-laced fight that peters out after 3 minutes, it’s over before it started, Riley is nothing but a pawn to the whims of his mistress, and the Volturi — with head Supreme Court Justice Jane (Dakota Fanning, The Runaways) — standing around looking like they just came from a fraternity hazing ceremony (sans paddles); we’re left with nothing but the said numb ass and the notion that Twilight… really, truthfully, no-doubt-about-it… just sucks (and that’s not a clever blood-related pun either).

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And now a review by Gary Murray

In full honesty, I hated the first Twilight film. I found a vegetarian vampire to be stupid. Edward was a drippy dope and Bella a whiny little Goth princess. The vampires were wimpy and the big action scene was a baseball game. I want my bloodsuckers full of hate and venom, ripping out jugulars in a gory orgy of violence. The second film was much better. The addition of Jacob and the werewolves gave some much needed conflict and action. All the elements are back in the third part of the series The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

The movie opens on a dark and stormy night. A young man is wandering around the docks and is attacked by some unseen force. It ends with him in agony, screaming to the heavens.

Then we get to our main characters. Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) are lying in a flower filled meadow. She reads poetry and they are very much in platonic love. Bella is to be turned once she graduates and Edward doesn’t want to perform the deed. He knows exactly how much pain being undead will reek on her life, him wanting to spare her any discomfort. There is still a very uneasy truce between the vampire clan and the werewolf clan, both staying on their side of the forest. Jacob (Taylor Lautner) still pines away for Bella and resents Edward. Jacob believes that Bella is under a spell and she has no free will to make the right choice, the choice being him.

Into the mix of the love triangle is a series of murders in Seattle. Known only to the vampire Cullen clan, an army of young bloods—new vampires—is being created in the city. No one knows the how or the why for sure but it all seems to come back to a revenge plot by vampire Victoria against Edward. In a previous flick, Edward killed James who was Victoria’s mate. Now, the vampires and the werewolves must ban together in a super pack to protect Bella from the horde of bloodsuckers. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is a story of how Bella is protected by Edward and Jacob, two very different men who both love the lovely lass.

The three leads are becoming comfortable with their roles. It has taken some time, but they all finally look comfortable saying the corny dialogue. The scene were all three have to share a tent gets some much needed comic relief and comfort between the principles. The enemy of my enemy is my friend may be a mantra, but the two Alpha males still keep a bitter wall between them.

The choice that Bella has to make is an interesting one and it is not as simple as vampire or werewolf. The choice is about the inevitable outcome of her life. If she chooses to be with Edward, it is a cold existence of death. She will eventually see everyone that she has known or loved die. She will also have to leave the world of the living and live in a world of vampires, a never aging existence. As we see through a series of flashbacks with other characters, it is not the perfect way to roam the planet. If she goes the Jacob route, she will grow old and die maybe missing out on the love of a lifetime. Ah, teen angst does have its charms.

What the film truly needed was more action. It starts out strong and spooky then turns maudlin. The film would have been better served with more fights and less gooey-eyed stares. We did learn two valuable lessons in dealing with young bloods—never let young bloods wrap their arms around you and never go for the easy kill. The last big battle set piece works on every level, it just takes too long to get there.

The element that was the most surprising was the morality of Edward. We find out for sure that the two leads are as pure as the snow tops of the mountains they hide out in. In a real world of wanton pleasure that happens at the stroke of a computer keyboard, it was refreshing to see some old fashioned morality, initiated by the male.

The Twilight films are not made for me, a middle-aged white guy. These films are made for the females, both young and old. It has dreamy guys that love a fairly plain girl. There is almost enough action to keep the males interested, those poor saps who are dragged along to see the flick. The other problem with the film is that it doesn’t hold up as a separate entity. One really has to have seen both of the other episodes in order to understand this third time out. Without knowing all that has happened before, one would be lost.

These flicks are critic proof. No matter what I say, the kids will flock down to the multiplex to get the latest installment of their soap opera. It is a soap opera in the same vein as Dark Shadows four decades ago. The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is going to make a load of cash, no matter what anyone says. While not a bad bit of entertainment, it just doesn’t hold up on its own.

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